Signs

I have been absolutely blown away with the people who have chosen to give to this trip. I find myself without words- I have wanted to write about this for a couple of weeks but literally have not known what to say. I still don’t think I can do it justice. Who can explain the things God does with any real accuracy?

I’ve gotten tears in my eyes several times as I opened envelopes with checks and well wishes, or gotten news of an online donation. I am stunned by people’s generosity. I am brought to my knees by God’s faithful, abundant provision….over and over again.

Right from the beginning, I have been questioning God about this trip. First, it seemed too good to be true (it still does). To get to go and do His work, with some of my closest, dearest friends….who know I am a picky eater and get cranky with no sleep and overwhelmed by too much time with people….and love me anyway? But, at that time, Phil still wasn’t sure. I knew this was not something I needed to push- if God wanted me to go, then He would work it out. I believed that…or so I thought.

Then, one day after some circumstances had changed, Phil surprised me by saying, “Well, I guess this means you can go to East Asia.” I cheered! This was awesome! I was really going to get to do this!

Theeeeeeeeeeen came the next morning. Instead of excitement, I felt overwhelming fear. Like felt physically sick with it. What was I DOING? Was I crazy? I am a mother of young children. It’s my job to take care of them and keep them safe and teach them and love them. Nobody can do that like me! Was I totally irresponsible to leave them behind? What if something happened to me? And I’m a wife. It’s my job to be here for my husband, to support him and build him up and love him and pray for him. And the money? How on earth would I raise this money in this economy? And…oh….people would think I’m NUTS. Well, okay so they already think I’m nuts, but now they’re going to think I’m more nuts.

So I TOLD God. I TOLD Him, GOD- You need to give me a really clear sign if You want me to do this crazy thing! I mean, could You please be clearer because I am not doing this thing unless You are the One behind it. Because if You are not, this won’t work!

I’m sure God just loves when I tell Him what to do. Especially when I spell out the steps, just in case He didn’t know which order they should be done.

When God tells me something, it’s not in an audible voice. But, I just know that I know that I know that it’s Him, because it’s something I would never have thought to say at that moment. It feels like it comes out of left field… but yet it makes total sense. And, it’s always gentle and full of grace, even if it’s hard to hear. I am always so humbled- and surprised- that He doesn’t just yell at me and say “Away with you and your doubts!” He always brings me back to Himself by His love, never with guilt trips, condemnation, or anger. He really is the Good Shepherd.

This time, I felt Him saying so clearly, “Kirsten- Kylie and Evie and Phil are Mine. I created this world and everything in it, I can take care of them and you.” He also showed me over the next couple of days that He had been letting me know- really clearly- that He did want me to go...for about a month! I literally laughed out loud when I saw all the ways He had been making it clear, and I just hadn’t been paying attention. I had prayed for it, but then I never looked to see if He was answering.

Almost like I didn’t expect Him to answer.

Funny what you don’t see when you’re not looking.